Healing

It's been a little quiet around here, I know.  It's been a little weird around here as well. I've always planned to be honest and open on this blog as often as I possibly can.  But this blog is not my diary...so I know better than to treat it as such.  However, for a girl like me who can be easily distracted (I blame the artsy side of my brain....it's totally taking over my practical, type-A side), sometimes the best thing I can do is write...it's how I try to make sense of things that really can't ever make sense.  My hope is that while I'm working out some things in my head, that maybe something written here will resonate with you. That you will be able to look past the cryptic-ness of this post, and see it for what it needs to be...a road to healing and forgiveness.

When something happens that I don't understand, when I'm hurt and disappointed and feel betrayed, my instinct is to retreat.  To run.  To become a hardcore hermit.  I busy myself with reorganizing something, or working in the yard, or I do something crazy like paint a tree in my house. Like this one:

Actually I painted this last month, before things got weird. But this tree helped me get my first real, paying wall art job for a church's children's area...long story that's not really relevant.  The new creative outlet has been good for me though. I crave any kind of distraction that will keep me from having to deal with feelings about things I can't understand.....but I know better.  I know that I have to deal with stuff because it's not going to go away until I do.

While I can't tell you the details of what has happened, I will tell you what I'm learning from it....let me the stress the learning, because I still have a ways to go.  I promise you that the details surrounding what has happened really aren't relevant to the lesson coming from it....at least as it pertains to you that read this.

I'm starting to understand that sometimes God brings people into our lives for only a season.  Honestly, I wish that wasn't the case.  When I become friends with someone, typically I'm in it for the long haul.  I prefer to have a small handful of friends that are going to go the distance for me and with me, knowing full well I would do the same for them.  And I am ridiculously blessed with a perfect handful of friends who are exactly that. 

Sometimes, though, friendships have to end.  It's hard, and it hurts, and it's sad.  What I'm learning from all of this is that sometimes God removes people from our life...and it is for our best.  It has to be, or He wouldn't do it.  I have to trust that it's for our protection. Even if it makes me sad right now.

While my flesh is longing to fight, to have the last word...my heart knows better. It knows that I don't need to do anything.  That it's not going to change things, that I really won't feel any better anyway.

"The Lord will fight for you.  You need only be still."

Exodus 14:14

People are going to fail us.  They just are.  I will hurt and disappoint people.  You will too.  

It's inevitable...we're human. 

That's not a cop out...we still need to try our best to be kind and good. 

But we're still going to mess up here and there....not intentionally, I hope.  

It's unfortunate, but it's reality.

 But I have good news. :)  God never will leave us behind.  Not ever.

And through all of this hurt and anger and disappointment, He has reminded me of this very thing, 

and that has been very good. He is faithful.  He is constant. He makes sense of what I can't reconcile in my head...or in this case, shows me that I don't need to try.  I just need to walk away.

You might be wondering what the take-away is here.  Let's see...trust no one? LOL....no, that's not it.  ;) 

I can't wrap up the lesson here in a neat, tidy bow.  This one is too messy.  My hope is that at some point down the road that I will be able to look back on the time I had with these friendships and be thankful.  That I can remember the good....because there was good.  I'm choosing to believe that.  I'm determined to reach a place of forgiveness.  I'm hoping that this won't change me too much...that I will get to a place where I can trust new friendships again...where I can let people in the way I used to.  It's definitely shown me the importance of preserving the friendships I have, making sure they know that I'm not going anywhere, that they are important.  It's reminded me of the people who have been my friends for longer than I can remember, who have stuck by me no matter what.  Of the friends I've made here who have quickly shown me that they aren't going anywhere as well.  God is faithful to provide exactly what I've needed. And I've come to understand that what has happened is somewhat of a fluke, and I'm working to not be afraid that it will happen again.  I've spent a lot of time hiding out, keeping to myself, sticking close to B and the boys...I needed that time. I've spent some time walking, listening to music...God has used that to help heal my heart.  But now I know that it's time to start  getting back to normal, and I'm ready.

Thanks for reading as I've worked through this....I'm sorry if I've confused you, or if the cryptic nature of this post has frustrated you.  That wasn't my intention, but certainly now you understand why I couldn't be specific. My hope is that if you have dealt with something like this that you will be able to take away some part of what I've written that will be helpful to you.  In the meantime, I'll leave you with this...because  it can be applied to just about any situation:

"And we know God works ALL things together for GOOD, 

for those who love God and are called according to His purpose."

Romans 8:28